This is fucking incredible, you're a good writer dude!
Ñ
Hombre, he/him
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Self-esteem +1
Next mission: Make a Fanart for this great guy
What stood out to me the most here was that the style is distinct in a way that's hard for me to describe - all the exposition and dialogue wanders and winds in a way that feels like the narrator is talking to someone he's never met before and has no interest in meeting again. They just want to tell their story to someone, *anyone*, and they don't care how much they jump around or throw in details out of the blue... and who knows how much of the story they're just making up on the spot to impress a stranger?
The way characters are quoted can be hard to follow, especially in the paragraph introducing Truman and Roberto. The vibe I got was that the way dialogue was presented most of the time (broken up by dashes in the same paragraph) was to make it feel more like a person telling you a story face to face, rather than a narration that's been carefully jotted down and organized on paper. Maybe a good middle ground would have been to have each line of dialogue (still without the quotation marks) on a new line rather than in the same paragraph?
But anyway, I'm seriously starting to ramble. I enjoyed reading this!
I speak Spanish and I translated it, and as you know, translation changes many things (I write this in Google Translator). It is also that I am very new and I should write more, and I err on the side of writing few details. Although you became to philosophical, it is not such a profound text.
Nice work! I like the premise you set up in the beginning, and the details you included (especially regarding the father in the very beginning) felt like something that would naturally come up from the perspective of an in-family fight. I think the middle of your piece felt a little unfocused, but I understand that you had to meet a wordcount and that may have interfered with writing one very focused scene. Thank you for participating and I hope to see you in the next one!
Thanks to much, its my first time i publish one story in Internet and its amazing. I want to become better whit the time.
Sheik13LoZ
Cool story! Enjoyed the premise!
Thewolf257
I'm quite creative, I just need to expand more