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Thewolf257
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Writers Jam 24 WILD WEST STORY

Posted by Thewolf257 - June 15th, 2024


All for the legacy


My brother Jonathan and I went to the city of New riverdown. A month after the death of our great father, Baron Mond-Revolverheld, a German married to an American. But today we will not talk about him, but about my brother and me.


The atmosphere was tense, how could it not be? It was to see who would get our father's legacy. Just imagine our long faces mounted on our horses that accompanied us all our lives, climbing the hill and seeing what he left us written, in a small but vital letter.


"I, Baron Mond-Revolverheld, will give my legacy to the son who can beat the other from a pitched battle between them and their gangs."


At last our enmity will bear fruit. I saw the true face of my brother when they made the division of goods.


So I headed to the town of "Bottom of the hill" known for the amount of crime, so I asked if there were people who wanted to form a gang with me. So I met an old man. -So you're looking for a band," the old man couldn't even see his face with his straw hat, "I had one, but we broke up. I'd like to get it together.


So we got ready, went to a small village, and two people came out of a booth. The British Truman and the Mexican Roberto, - What a bastard you are, Josue, and yes, I will accept anything, because if you are here it is because something bad has happened. I'll take anything, because if you're here it's because something bad has happened," he approached and got on his horse. - I'm not very confident," said the Englishman fearfully, "what do you want? - I want to get the whole gang together, this upper class bastard must earn his father's legacy. - said Joshua explaining the story told by me - Come on, bring our weapons, and bring back your warrior spirit - mentioned Roberto in a mocking tone -.


We went to the house I got in the distribution of goods - I told you it was high class - says Josue impressed - A very nice farm, I would like to try it, but it is not necessary if it is going to be my home. - says Roberto graciously. When we arrive, we get ready to look for the last of the gang, they say he lives in the most dangerous and most inhabited place in the entire western Arizona territory.


We came to Manitor-town, it used to be an Indian camp, and now it's the nearest thing to New York we have. So we came to a liquor store, - Look who we have here - Thomas mentioned - Our old gang reunited: the old Jewish guy with a strangely good aim, the British guy scared of everything but death, the Mexican guy who when I met him treated me like a slave and who the fuck are you? - I'm just someone who wants to get back to this rich gang - I told him - he has a huge hacienda, he has a Swiss deer head in his living room, and he wants us to kill his brother and his gang - says the British guy more serious than usual - when did he become so serious? - I said so confused - That's just the way he is, he's a cag but he breaks skulls. -


When we left the store, two men came with revolvers, they wanted to rob us. So I took out my revolvers and killed them without thinking much. - At least you know how to shoot - said Roberto sarcastically - let's go, there's a policeman with a bad face coming -


When we got home we prepared for the final battle. We practiced shooting, bought ammunition and two carts. After hours it was time.


I was face to face with him, my brother. He hired a bunch of hitmen. - Give up before I beat you! I'm sure you're afraid of me - he says with an air of grandeur - Not by a long shot, you and your fools can't beat this gang - I said ready for what was coming - We are three times more than you, and you'll regret it - he pulled out his revolver and fired, but I hid behind the car.


And the bullets kept coming out, but we did not give up. I would shoot and hide, Roberto made a hole in the car to shoot better. Josue was shameless, he shot at anything he saw, and only hid when someone looked at him. Thomas was a madman, he killed and killed. Then I asked "Where the fuck is Truman?".


The bastard came out behind the hitmen with two tomahawks, he was going after them like a bull. They didn't hurt us, except for Roberto, who got a scar all over his face that Josue treated. So I approached my brother, alone and cornered.


"So you thought you won. I'm the one you forgot his potential, the one who gathered the best in the place and went to defeat you. Now you fear me, on this journey I forgot any morality I had. And I will kill you, as you said you would!". I killed him by a shot in the head.


So we lived a full life. And what did we learn? Nothing, just that I plan to win Writers Jam 2024.


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Comments

Cool story! Enjoyed the premise!

I'm quite creative, I just need to expand more

This is fucking incredible, you're a good writer dude!

Self-esteem +1
Next mission: Make a Fanart for this great guy

What stood out to me the most here was that the style is distinct in a way that's hard for me to describe - all the exposition and dialogue wanders and winds in a way that feels like the narrator is talking to someone he's never met before and has no interest in meeting again. They just want to tell their story to someone, *anyone*, and they don't care how much they jump around or throw in details out of the blue... and who knows how much of the story they're just making up on the spot to impress a stranger?

The way characters are quoted can be hard to follow, especially in the paragraph introducing Truman and Roberto. The vibe I got was that the way dialogue was presented most of the time (broken up by dashes in the same paragraph) was to make it feel more like a person telling you a story face to face, rather than a narration that's been carefully jotted down and organized on paper. Maybe a good middle ground would have been to have each line of dialogue (still without the quotation marks) on a new line rather than in the same paragraph?

But anyway, I'm seriously starting to ramble. I enjoyed reading this!

I speak Spanish and I translated it, and as you know, translation changes many things (I write this in Google Translator). It is also that I am very new and I should write more, and I err on the side of writing few details. Although you became to philosophical, it is not such a profound text.

Nice work! I like the premise you set up in the beginning, and the details you included (especially regarding the father in the very beginning) felt like something that would naturally come up from the perspective of an in-family fight. I think the middle of your piece felt a little unfocused, but I understand that you had to meet a wordcount and that may have interfered with writing one very focused scene. Thank you for participating and I hope to see you in the next one!

Thanks to much, its my first time i publish one story in Internet and its amazing. I want to become better whit the time.